So Ward Pond and Michelle Ufford started this SQL rap contest. I replied on twitter that I loved their raps and they told me “bring your skillz!”
Well I don’t think I have any skillz (in that regard) so here it goes
_Who you trying to get crazy with SA?
Don’t you know I’m loco……….
ashes 2 ashes and dust 2 dust
when u fire up ur queries ur RAM goes bust
that is why u need me
DB check..1..2..3
I am the DBCC
yeah u know me
I am the DBCC
yeah u know me
I defrag, rebuild and help
Once I run there is no need to yelp
I fly under the radar, I use undocumented procs
When u use me, ur laid back and chillin’ in ur crocs
I can show u stats and shrink ur files
make ur machine last longer 4 miles and miles
you can be proactive but not a bad user
otherwise, you will be dropped and I’ll c u in alt.total-loser
I am the DBCC
yeah u know me
I am the DBCC
yeah u know me
Once I’m done u can put ur data in the air(*)
Then use it like u just don’t care
Data is always there, there is a SLA
You know what this means, a happy SA
Da man, the Resource Governor is in da house
No more runaway queries, u have time 4 ur spouse
ur data is so unnormalized, it’s like a ghetto
You mix bits and bites diminishing your netto
I am the DBCC
yeah u know me
I am the DBCC
yeah u know me
this stuff you can’t sweep under no rug u know
- the cloud people, the cloud
So that is my pathetic attempt, In my opinion the best lyrics are from It’s All About The Pentiums
Here is the video:
Here are the lyrics
“It’s All About The Pentiums”
It’s all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It’s all about the Pentiums, baby
It’s all about the Pentiums, baby
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah
What y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?
Workin’ at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin’ the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin’ my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don’t read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin’ on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I’m strictly plug-and-play, I ain’t afraid of Y2K
I’m down with Bill Gates, I call him “Money” for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It’s all about the Pentiums, what?
You’ve gotta be the dumbest newbie I’ve ever seen
You’ve got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You’re usin’ a 286? Don’t make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You’re the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You’re waxin’ your modem, tryin’ to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you’re still livin’ in your parents’ cellar
Downloadin’ pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin’ “Me too!” like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You’re just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?
Uh, uh, loggin’ in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got ‘em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer’s got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you’ve had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it’s an antique
Your laptop is a month old? Well that’s great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operation system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed ‘em
While your computer’s crashin’, mine’s multitaskin’
It does all my work without me even askin’
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says “Etch-A-Sketch” on the side
In a 32-bit world, you’re a 2-bit user
You’ve got your own newsgroup, “alt.total-loser”
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where’d you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I’ll beat you
If I ever meet you I’ll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
It’s all about the Pentiums! (It’s all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y’all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin’ time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin’ at Hewlett Packard?
What??
Denis has been working with SQL Server since version 6.5. Although he worked as an ASP/JSP/ColdFusion developer before the dot com bust, he has been working exclusively as a database developer/architect since 2002. In addition to English, Denis is also fluent in Croatian and Dutch, but he can curse in many other languages and dialects (just ask the SQL optimizer) He lives in Princeton, NJ with his wife and three kids.
